Why is it so important to be in integrity? It’s not a concept we consider all that much until our integrity is challenged, and there is no punch to the gut quite like it. I have had my integrity challenged a few times this year, the last of which occurred only a couple of hours ago, but integrity, liked other important but not quite sexy words like candour, resilient and consistency, is central to the burnout story and the work I do.
First up, what does integrity mean to you? According to the dictionary it is about adherence to a moral code, but I think it goes beyond that. We can all comply to the letter of the law whilst vigorously sticking two fingers up at it. To me, integrity means doing what is right even when it’s not always easy. It is about knowing that who you are and who you wish to be is more important that who other people think you should be or what would be socially acceptable.
To me, integrity also implies a level of self-acceptance, self-respect and self-worth that most of us aspire to, if we aren’t already living it on a daily basis. It resonates closely with the stoic philosophy I have recently started studying; an adherence to standards that we set for ourselves that focus on our own internal self and really don’t have much to do with the outstanding.
So it integrity is an inherently subjective and variable standard, why am I talking about it? I don’t know what your standards are for yourself or even whether our standards align at all! Well, that’s not important and here’s why.
Integrity is about what is within rather than without
It’s kind of cute that I am talking about integrity in the stale space between Christmas and New Year (or as my friend put it, the perineum of the holiday season). The world and his online-business-running-wife is talking about New Year New You, the goals and resolutions you set for the next year. Shaming you for eating too much or being too far or too thin, too poor or (less likely) too rich. Drawing your attention to all the things that you didn’t manage to achieve this year and all the tiny ways in which you have failed yourself.
It’s a prime example of external validation as a replacement for true goals.
I’ll lose weight and give up cheese because that gorgeous blonde in the gym bra and low rise leggings looks better than me and I feel ashamed. rather than actually looking at myself and asking what is important for me or what is in integrity for me. Externally generated goals and values are the sticks we use to beat ourselves over the head instead of the carrots we desperately want to chase.
As you consider what you want to achieve these year, check in for a moment and ask yourself
Is this goal meaningful to me?
Am I pursuing it because I want to or because I think it’s a good/cool/acceptable thing to do?
Do the feelings that accompany this goal include shame, blame, fear or pain? If so, is it something to grow into and through or something that is integral to the goal itself?
Without integrity, who are you, really?
If integrity is adherence to a subjective set of values than that means not compromising yourself for others. Makes sense, right?
I know that you are comfy, sitting and reading this, but could you get up and go get me a coffee. Oh and a chocolate biscuit? And maybe bring a snack back?
Every people pleaser reading has just felt that unnerving, unsettling feeling. It’s that feeling you have when you agree to work the weekend even though what you need is sleep, tequila and the laundry fairy to come wave her magic wand. It’s that feeling you have when you pick the cheaper option on the menu rather than the thing you really want, for fear of being seen as too extravagant, taking advantage or a bit piggy. it’s that feeling you get when you commit to something that isn’t quite what you want, is less than you deserve or is just plain hassle, because you think it’s easier to sacrifice your own time/energy/feelings/self-worth/bank balance than someone else’s.
I’m coming right out and saying it.
If you are burning out, running on fumes or so exhausted that you are already face down on the floor, then you are not in integrity. There is literally no job description in the world that includes the words ‘sacrifice your health, happiness, wealth and self-worth for £XX per year’
The difficult part of this is that being out of integrity doesn’t necessarily mean doing the wrong thing, it can often mean doing too much of the right thing; working long hours, caring about other people to the point is causes you harm, being the world and his wife’s Girl Friday.
Being in integrity isn’t just about the moral code, it’s about the correct volume to boot. Think of it as crafting the perfect cocktail (make mine a Wibble) rather than drinking the bar dry.
Integrity requires a modicum of selfishness
Here’s where the stoic philosophers come in. Stoicism has also had a bad branding deal; we tend to think it means to endure through everything without complaint, the class stiff upper lip, but that’s not what the stoic philosophers were about. Stoicism is about pragmatic action, living a good life, maximising the positive and minimising the negative, acknowledging that our thoughts create our reality and that it is our job to create a better life. It is about letting go of the things that we cannot control and focusing on what we can make better instead.
Essentially, if you have ever had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, committed to producing less waste and making the most of what you already have, have practised gratitude or journalled, taken recycling to the sort it centre or signed up for National Trust membership, then you are already knee deep in stoicism. Congratulations, welcome to the party, sustainable gift bags are on your left.
The reason why I point this out is that all of these tools, all of these resources, all of these beliefs are neither black nor white. They are not about the absolutes. They are about living in the shades of grey and creating from where we are, instead of waiting for the best possible outcome.
It means start where you are.
It means focus on yourself first so that you can create big change.
It means applying your own oxygen mask before helping others.
Considering your integrity creates a roadmap
Most of us fail to consider where we are going or what we are doing on any kind of regular basis. I for one was so busy swinging through the monkey bars and desperately trying to make sure that I didn’t fall to the ground t hat it took me more than a decade, the loss of both my parents and damn-near breakdown before I stopped to consider whether what I was doing was really working.
For example; I went to university to become a criminal law barrister, but ten years on I was crying and breathless with anxiety attacks in the toilets because my work as a mental capacity solicitor was intense and frantic and I was terrified I wasn’t hitting the grade.
The key word here is ‘compromise’.
I compromised on the area of law I wanted to work in because the political and funding climate changed and it was more difficult to get a job. I had rent to pay, so I compromised on the area of law and looked for the common thread.
I compromised on the way I wanted to work and clung on to the opportunities that came my way. I told myself that I was lucky to get where I was and that I should be grateful for achieving what so many others didn’t…. even though I was on a completely different track from where I had wanted to be.
Pro tip: it isn’t real gratitude if you tell yourself you should be grateful because other people don’t have what you have. Gratitude is about being truly, meaningfully happy and excited by what you do have. Not by what others don’t. See ‘within rather than without’ above.
Compromise is a really easy way to tell if you are in integrity. It’s completely possible to compromise AND still be in integrity, but it requires thought and consideration, a plan and an understanding of what is important.
For example:
Throughout the first half of my legal career I worked second and even third jobs. I had no support net and needed to earn more money in order to live. I had a choice: I could live in a shared flat and not get a second job, or I could move to that one bed flat to live by myself (my preferred choice at the age of 22) but it would require a second job.
That plan was in integrity and I worked an additional 18 hours a week at a cinema whist getting my foot on the ladder as a paralegal.
Fast forward 5 years and I was working an extra 15 hours a week because ‘I need the money’. No specifics. Definitely no fun to look forward to. Hell, I didn’t even have a passport. But I was motivated by fear, by keeping up with my friends who earned significantly more than me and by conflating my monthly pay cheque with my worth as a person. Working the second job had become a habit and it was out of integrity. Again, see within versus without above.
The moment you start to notice teh worry about going back to your desk in the New Year, or have a niggling doubt about that promotion you have been gunning for, it is an opportunity for an integrity check.
Ask yourself
Why am I doing this?
Is it for me, or for other people?
If so, why? Is it working TO something, or running FROM something.
What would integrity look like?
It is almost impossible to avoid the true roadmap when we get clear on what is and is not in integrity, because what’s the alternative? You can’t pretend to forget and switch off the integrity alarm, it’s too deeply wired. Your only alternative is to keep going as before, led by fear and worry with the added knowledge that you are harming yourself and acting in a way that you are not proud of, causing more work for yourself, for your therapist or for me a little further down the line.
Let your integrity-check lead you.
Scared by what acting in integrity would truly mean? Well that’s the topic for a whole other blog, or maybe your integrity check tells you that it’s time for us to work together, in which case reach out to me directly.
Either way, there’s no going back from here. Take action and get in to integrity. You deserve to feel proud of yourself, to live a life as free from harm as possible and as full of positivity as you can dare to dream. If your integrity feels attacked, it is an opportunity to create a new path or clarify the one that you are on. Seems pretty vital to me!
PS My job, my reason for shotuing into the internet all day long for years now, is to help you regain control of your life, your work and your self respect and to make the changes that put you into integrity. It is the heart and soul of the work that I do with everyone from my 1:1 clients to people who simply read my blogs (hey!).
That work can be difficult, particularly when you are undoing years of programming, years of repressing your own needs and compromising on who and what you are for your work, your clients, your staff, your boss, your partner, your kids, your friends and your milkman.
I help you to recover YOU, at the centre of it all, and put YOU back on the path where you are able to do your best work. To be in integrity. To be resilient. To have an energetic buffer so the slightest little thing doesn’t send you spiralling off into anxiety land. I help you to reprogramme it all to be how you choose to be, instead of living life by the crumbs left by everyone else.
And look, sometimes that takes a hell of a lot of work. Sometimes that takes soul searching and lots of action. But I also believe that I can help make it simple for you. Or at least far more simple, far more efficient and far more FUN than if you were doing this by yourself.
(which is what I did. And it sucked balls. It was a struggle. I do not recommend it).
So, here to help you in a matter of moments, is my Inspiration for 2020 card deck. It’s really simple; you are going to get a deck of 52 digitally edited cards with some of my favourite sayings, phrases, thoughts and meditations. The whole purpose of this deck is to jog you from your usual patterns, to get you to think about things slightly differently, to develop your mental flexibility and think about yourself and others in a new light.
Pretty awesome, right?
I’m going to be sharing this deck in an online format, with printable pdf’s for you to print, cut out and keep, as well as the digital ebook expanding on each of these cards (52 chapters of how I develop mental flexibility, resilience, tenacity, stress management and more. It’s like I’m there with you, reading each card out over a cup of hot chocolate and slice of black forest gateau).
The first 12 cards are already available for you to access right away and the additional 40 are being dropped in week by week throughout January, together with chapters of the new book.
What do you say? Want to make it easy on yourself? Click here to find out more and pre-order your set! https://searchingforserenity.vipmembervault.com/teaser/courses/view/33