I’ve sat here for ages at the keyboard, not knowing what to write.
I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself; to try and show up for others, to guide others experiencing unprecedented levels of stress, to create and write more than I ever have done before, whilst simultaneously cleaning the house more than ever, cooking more than ever and feeling the full run of emotions.
Deep down there is something in my programming that refuses to relinquish control, it’s a foundational belief that, by sheer force of will if nothing else, I can make things happen, move boulders up a muddy hill, create order out of chaos (I don’t think I’ve ever actually achieved that one, usually I just dance through the chaos as I go and look back to see it all made sense… eventually).
Problem fixers are essentially control freaks and right now, every one of us has been thrown for a loop. It’s rare to be confronted with something that you cannot control and changes so rapidly. Usually we have plans, we have timelines, we have key dates. Even under the most difficult of circumstances there is always a precedent to look back to, there are always people who have been through what we are about to go through, even as our individuality makes it unique.
Parameters. Guidelines. Outlines. Markers. We like these things, because they are uniform and neat and give us an idea of our progress, whether we’re doing well or not. Even though, ultimately, they are all a bunch of bullshit and again, we only realise that once we have danced through the chaos and seen our way out the other side.
I’ve felt this way, once before. In this weird semi-active state of partial suspended animation, waiting for the starter’s gun to fire and being unable to do anything in the meantime. It was five years ago, when my mum died but before I was given the go-ahead that I could arrange her funeral. It took a week and I walked around in some kind of haze, and right now I feel a strange version of that.
I like, we like, to be bodies in motion. Taking action and therefore creating the outcomes.
Except, it’s times like this that we realise that we never really had any control over the outcome.
We can try our best, we can do all the things, we can get on our knees and pray or rail at the universe, but ultimately it was never truly a done deal.
I don’t think that the opposite of control is chaos. I think that the opposite of control is faith.
Instead of stage managing and directing our lives every step of the way, we are instead invited to yes, take all the action and yes do all the things, but ultimately relinquish the need for control and replace it with faith, something more than hoping but less than certainty, that everything will resolve.
You can be the best litigator in the world, you’re still going to lose cases.
You can be the best banker in the world and get stuffed by an errant shift in the market.
You can be the best teacher going and your student may still fail.
You can be the best doctor in the world and you’re still going to lose a patient.
One of the activities I’ve shifted to in the time freed up by all my corporate work that has a pin in, for however long that might be, is to start growing veg. My windowsill is currently full of mustard and cress, peashoots and broad bean plants. There’s courgettes and cucumbers to sow and more seeds arriving (thank god for online business). I’ve never managed to grow plants before, always too busy, always too distracted.
Every day these plants are a reminder that, no matter what I do, I only have so much control. That, in order to learn, I’m going to have to fail. And, if all works well, I get to rejoice knowing that really, these things could have done it without me. After all, all they need is some dirt and some water.
What if all that burden you’ve been placing on yourself was sorta kinda unnecessary? What if really, the magic is in stepping back a bit and giving it room to breathe. Would that make for a better, happier, healthier life, once you learned to let go of control a little more?
Hard lesson, but it’s one worth remembering.
PS Later this week I’m going to be sharing all the tips and tricks I have going to help manage my anxiety, from beliefs to breath, from sensory equipment to stress management. Anxiety is something we all struggle with, particularly when we are used to being problem fixing people pleasers who take responsibility for every one and every thing and never know when to take care of ourselves…. sound familiar?
My plan was to write the sales page today but quite honestly, the words haven’t flown today. So I’m sharing this in the trust that the right people will know why I’m running this workshop and why it would be good for them.
In addition to the one hour workshop you will receive a video recording to keep for life and 7 full days of follow up with me to ask questions, get my input on implementation or generally keep your accountability flowing.
You can join us for this one-off workshop for just £25, or upgrade to the full Grit and Resilience bundle for just £33/month x 3 months and receive a total of 12 workshops, 12 weeks of unlimited email and messenger access, two one to one telephone calls and more.
Click here to find out more about joining the single workshop Practical Tools for Managing Anxiety or click here to read about the full Grit and Resilience bundle.