There’s this funny thing that I do to myself whenever I try to start a new pattern or habit.
I freeze.
Most of us understand the fight or flight response, but freeze is one of those common reactions too. You see it all the time in the movies - the naive young girl freezes in front of the oncoming vehicle and the big manly-man of a hero has to save her.
Plenty of us freeze in the face of danger. The unfortunate thing is that these days, danger is all around us. Your body can’t tell the difference between a sabretooth tiger or the letter head of that firm of solicitors on the other side with the lawyer who outranks you by ten years and is a bit of a dick about it.
My clients tell me, over and over, that they procrastinate, that they dick about, that the work that they’re producing doesn’t reflect the amount of effort that they’re putting in. Whilst there’s a simple, one word answer for that, burnout, anything helpful requires a bit more than a single word.
Burnout often comes up in the context of procrastination because it’s right there, baked into the definition. Chronic workplace stress not successfully managed (ok, judgy mcjudgeface) resulting in: chronic exhaustion and depletion, reduced professional efficacy and negativity or cynicism.
It’s obvious, when you feel like working at your desk is like pushing a boulder up a muddy hill in the rain, that burnout is part of this solution, but I’m more interested in what comes next.
So you’re tired, you’re feeling overwhelmed, everything feels too difficult and you try to avoid it, numb it out for a bit by procrastinating, most often by flipping through social media and then your inbox with a mounting sense of dread.
Now that would be fine (inefficient and likely to get you fired in the long term, but fine) if you were enjoying what you were doing, but you’re not. As a coping strategy it’s ineffective because it doesn’t even give any immediate relief, never mind long term and then what happens next?
The shame spiral.
The I’m not good enough, why couldn’t I just get this done, I should have done this ages ago, I’m exhausted and need a break but can’t take time off because what if I’ve done something wrong and I can’t leave people in the lurch shame spiral.
And this, far more than any procrastination ever invented, is what will shut you down.
Shame shuts us down.
It stops us doing all of the things that could and would help us.
Reaching out to friends.
Telling our boss we’re struggling.
Taking care of ourselves first.
Taking a break, short or long.
Asking for help.
Because shame tells us that not only are we terrible, should have done it earlier etc etc, but it tells us that we’re bad. That it’s our fault, no-one else’s. That no-one wants to deal with our bullshit. That we’re selfish and immature and ridiculous for struggling like this.
It’s shame, piled on top of our insecurities, on top of a bedrock of fear.
Of not enoughness.
Of always worrying we’re doing the wrong thing.
Of not fitting in or being liked or thin enough or pretty enough.
And I get it, boy do I get it.
Every day for the past year I’ve smacked myself round the chops with ‘I can’t believe you pre-sold a book, wrote three quarters of it and chickened out like the chicken shit chicken you are’
(Because of course no-one in the history of the world has ever written a book and sat on it in fear, obviously I’m worse than Hitler AND Genghis Khan AND Christopher Columbus if they had a 3 way lovechild and made it even more evil.)
I want to write more, I have ideas flowing out of me like, well, let’s leave the visual metaphor unspoken shall we? but instead I put it off and do stuff with spreadsheets that no-one gives a crap about.
The day after nearly 6 hours of client calls (which is more than I used to do in a week this time last year) my first thought isn’t to give myself compassion and notice that I’m tired and need a little brain-break, but to be a ginormous bitch to myself (notice how that always gets worse when you’re tired?)
(and because I am also the queen of procrastination I just went to my diary and checked…. and it’s actually more that I did in the entire MONTH of October in 2019. Maybe I should pour myself a drink to celebrate that?)
But have you noticed what I do differently here?
In the grand scheme of things, it’s new. I never used to do it. It’s a habit I’ve developed.
It’s to immediately look for the opposite of whatever I’ve said.
I’m a twat? Well yeah sure, but I’m also kind and give to charity.
I’m lazy and procrastinating? Maybe, but I’m also feeling tired and giving my body what it needs.
I’m not nearly where I want to be yet… but look how far I’ve already come.
There’s still shame and insecurity and fear, because those are real and meaningful and keep me on the human side of the human-robot scale. I can’t do away with them entirely, but what I can do is balance them out, be a little bit kinder to myself and, by extension, to others.
By making compassion the immediately rejoinder to my snark, my fear, my doubt, my pain, I extend a more generous interpretation to myself and to others.
It moves me from being stuck in fear and shame, to it being something I experience, but am not dominate by. It allows me to see other options and crucially remain in movement.
So I haven’t re-written the whole of Burnout: The User’s Guide, but I have written this blog. The day after a big day of client calls; and I have this habit of being kinder to myself pretty much underway. So who knows what could achieve next?
What about you?
How could you extend a more generous interpretation and be a touch kinder to yourself, rather than sitting at the bottom of the dogpile of shame, insecurity and fear?
PS I took a couple of weeks’ break from onboarding new clients, because I practise what I preach and always want to make sure that I’m leading by example, and that includes not overloading myself with work, but I’m ready and inviting you to take the plunge to work with me.
Working with me 1:1 means we work together closely for up to 3 months, sitting down together for an hour every two weeks or so, talking in between sessions. This burnout work is big and can feel scary and overwhelming, but I’m by your side every step of the way, helping you to see things from a new perspective and to create a new way of living and working that’s more sustainable, more comfortable and far more enjoyable than where you are right now.
Right now I’m in a really lucky position that I can help you spread the cost of working with me over a period of 6 or 9 months, with almost no additional cost, so if you thought working with a mentor on imposter syndrome and burnout was going to be far too pricey, you might well be surprised; my 1:1 mentoring starts from just £100/month.
If you want to find out more, take a look here or reach out to me directly by email by clicking here to ask your questions!
Just as a heads up - these places are limited to a maximum of 3 people, if and when those 3 people sign up I may shut my doors again until they are on board and settled in. So if you are interested, let me know sooner rather than later!